"Carry You Around..."
September 25, 2000 @ 10:15pm
So less than a week ago they pulled me off Paxil and I again feel like I need to write on my web page. I guess it is kind of my sanity break and something I feel like I need to do when it seems that nothing is going my way. I didn't realize until tonight how lonely and miserable I truly am.
Paxil was my chemical friend. It kind of helped me ignore how much the real world irritated me. As the seretonin levels in my brain slowly trickle back to my usual levels in my brain I start to realize how much I miss. I find myself cuddling with my iguana and clinging to everyone I can find who will tolerate me because I feel like I need to be saved from myself.
Drip...Drip...Drip...
I never realized how many feelings I was immune to when I was on Paxil. Many people have said to me why are you sad? I have been beating myself up with that question for the past several months, maybe even years and I have an answer. Life makes me sad.
Being depressed may not be a socially accepted way of dealing with problems, with fears, with eternal loneliness, with emotion, and with life in general, but it is easier. Being in a depressed state helps me not be affected by the feelings that flow so fast through me and around me that there is no was to process them. Being depressed makes me not hear any of the music in life and accept that maybe it is just noise...
Someone also asked me what would make me happy and my answer disturbed them. I think the happiest though is that moment before an unplanned death where you realize how insignifigant and temporary everything is, and you accept your fate and find peace. Being hit by a bus or being shot for doing nothing wrong is the best way to go...it is the happiness of a lifetime...